world domination version 1.1

There’s a reason why Jessica Zafra fervently believes that our country’s biggest shot at world domination depends heavily on our overseas domestic workers. With nearly 12 million Filipinos deployed in 182 countries across the globe, Jessica has a valid point: if our domestic workers abandon their duties at a given exact time, there would be a worldwide gridlock as millions of homes fester in dirty unwashed dishes, stinking laundry, empty dinner tables, unchanged diapers, and wailing children. We would then announce our demands in exchange for household labor: cancellation of our foreign debts, armaments, planes, ships, investments, toxic waste clean-up, trade concessions.

This is in the 1990s. Two decades since, our schemes for taking over the world are no longer limited to the export of our own people as household help. Today, we also have 788 business process outsourcing (BPO) sweatshops in 20 key locations here at home, employing almost half a million workers trained in the fields of customer service, technical support, legal and medical transcription, financials, logistics, and accounting, software development and animation, and various other fields in high demand.

We BPO workers are grossly, grossly understated. This year alone, we are expected to earn up to $13 billion—a figure not altogether dwarfed by total OFW remittances at $17 billion last year. Yet people generally look down on BPO thralls for several reasons: the indiscriminate hiring of college dropouts, the consumerist culture encouraged by a relatively higher salary, the predominantly youngish population, and recently, ugly rumors about the prevalence of drugs and unsafe sex in the workplace.

But in the grand design for world domination, the BPO workforce shall play a vital role. (Even the government-run Overseas Workers Welfare Agency recognizes this fact—they now encourage OFWs to do a career shift by offering them free call center training.)

Consider this. At perhaps the same exact time our overseas domestic workers would abandon their work, BPO thralls could take the cue. We shall turn off our Avayas and refuse to take in more calls. Smokers shall stage a walkout and take an indefinite yosi break, while others left behind shall hold DOTA tournaments in their own work stations. The remaining population shall go log in to Facebook and water their wilting crops in Farmville.

Then not only will there be worldwide household trouble, there would also be global industrial mayhem as millions of disgruntled customers wait longer on the support queue, as travel packages remain unsold, as software bugs stay unresolved, as non-paying credit card holders remain unharrassed about their bills.

Since most BPO companies and their clients are US-based, we will issue our demands accordingly: the withdrawal of all American troops from Philippine soil and the scrapping of the Visiting Forces Agreement, the incarceration of Lance Corporal Daniel Smith, the immediate closure of US mining corporations in the country, and monetary reimbursement for all US-made damage on our country’s natural resources, culture, and people. There shall be more demands, but that would do for now.

We will also demand an across-the-board wage increase that would grant a salary level equal to onshore employees. We will also declare a zero tolerance policy on unpaid overtime work, system latency issues, substandard health insurance, shifts during declared holidays, and dumb theme days that require coming to work as Halloween creatures, comic book superheroes, Twilight vampires and werewolves, and the like.

This is still just a blueprint and I am definitely open for more brilliant ideas. I tend to make a lot of mistakes when it comes to strategies. But I believe we should strike soon. Timing is crucial and we shall not stop until this planet is ours.

Jessica, please contact me. ASAP.

*photo is from The Matrix Revolutions

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11 thoughts on “world domination version 1.1

  1. You should probably consider that most multinational/off-shore companies have business continuity programs in case events like this happen. 🙂

  2. Funny but you have a point nonetheless. I'm just a little afraid. What do they call it? Biting the hand or something like that.. My cliches are off. I'm sleepy.Don't hate me but i actually think daniel smith is a little cute. Sorry to rain on your little political parade. heehee

  3. You got my attention at the mention of Jessica Zafra. I worship that… bitch.You mentioned people looking down on the BPO industry and the false rumors… I was hoping you'd talk more about that. Kasi nakakainis isipin yun. At masarap magbasa ng nakakainis. Hahaha.

  4. Omayghad Victor, I am laughing and grinning at the same time while reading this. This is very imaginitive and witty counter plan.haha. Filipino workers, unite!

  5. I don't think having the Philippines conquer the world is a good idea. We can barely manage our country, what more the world? That would be one big catastrophe, hehe

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