The main thing about my biologically female friends is that most of the time they need a biologically male person to preside over their so-called conferences. By “biologically female,” I meant regardless of gender preference, and by “biologically male person,” I meant, well, yours truly.
Earlier today, an army of lesbian friends casually dropped by for lunch. My mother, of course, does not mind this occasional violation of her home’s privacy, since she somehow takes pride in his son’s true and noble calling in life: to herd a group of outspoken girls towards mutual agreement.
Apparently, the womenfolk have decided to go on an outing. However, they cannot decide on where to go. Hence, the need for the 777th Quarterly Convention on Lesbian Affairs. I would of course be the last person to claim expertise on summer getaway destinations, but for some inexplicable reason, the girls have not lost faith yet in my perceived abilities as a facilitator of discussions. In attendance were Simone de Bivouac, Maynard Kaves, Adam Sith, and the Dangerous Duo, Queen Latinah and Missus Ellliot.
Simone de Bivouac wanted to go to Galera to supposedly “reclaim” the place. Reclaim the place? What do you mean “reclaim the place”?
“There was a time when Galera was not synonymous to Malate, you know,” Simone lectured me while fidgeting with her placemat.
I told her that’s a possibly mean and offensive thing to say, and that “reclaiming” something precludes previous ownership of that very same thing.
“Exactly, Galera needs to be reclaimed from all claims of ownership–previous or current.”
I then told her that “reclaiming” something meant one would take ownership again of something. And before she could come up with a rebuttal, I asked the body for alternatives.
Maynard Kaves and Adam Sith think Zamabales is a good idea. They wanted to see pine trees growing out of beach sand. Period.
Queen Latinah and Missus Elliot, however, have an entirely different idea of a summer excursion. They don’t want to reclaim beaches. Nor do they have any interest in pine trees that have found a home along the beach. They want to rise above such banalities. They want to (hold your breath) shoot a short documentary on Noynoy Aquino’s election campaign in Tarlac, his hometown. I am guessing they have the Luisita farmers in mind.
Now I’d like to think I am someone who believes in socially relevant projects such as this, but even Ka Satur would have no objections to Galera or seaside conifers. It must be noted that Missus Ellliot and Queen Latinah are not even the G&D (grim-and-determined) type of activists. They’re not even activists, now that I think of it. I don’t know what possessed them to think of this. The only possible explanation is that Missus Elliot is a Journalism major and she may be writing a paper. Maybe.
In any case, once they have exhausted themselves with
catfights arguments, and my mom had finished heaping the table with what she calls food, I told them it would be wise to consider renting a private pool with a videoke machine.
“But what about the half-naked guys?” Maynard Kaves exclaimed, expressing everybody’s alarm at my suggestion.
Half-naked men? What half-naked men? You are dykes, I reminded them, in case it slipped your minds.
“Honey, we’d like to see other male bodies other than yours,” Maynard offered.
“For a change,” Adam added as an afterthought (in case I was offended).
I argued further that a rented place would be exponentially cheaper and convenient, and it would be a piece of cake to arrange. As of press time, the girls have still not warmed to the idea yet, but I know that my more practical take on the matter would win their wretched souls in the end.
Simone offered to take care of the car, so we fell to discussing the food next. They rattled off a list: barbecue, grilled fish, rice, chicken adobo, sandwiches, green mangoes, ripe mangoes, bagoong, vast quantities of drinking water and coke, vast quantities of alcohol. Before they got carried away further, I warned them that it may be difficult to carry all that stuff even if we have a car.
And then they all fell silent and stared at me meaningfully. It took a few seconds before it dawned on me. Oh, great, I thought. I’m coming with you as the official slave. I didn’t know I could be so useful.