Today, I went to a five-year old girl’s birthday party.

At twenty-one, deciding to be in direct proximity to balloons and a hired clown might be considered a little strange. But I happen to be the kid’s godfather and I was guilty about forgetting her birthday last year, so I was left with no other choice.

Also, “What harm could there possibly be in a birthday party?” I guessed the worst that could possibly happen is that I might go home with an upset stomach in case the food was terrible. Or that my face might hurt from too much smiling at children. Or I might end up utterly humiliated because of one of my own indecent curiosities. Which is what exactly happened to me at the end.

At the party, which was just a few houses down the block, I was mildly surprised to be reunited with old friends. There was Ruth’s brother, Harry, who used to be my best childhood buddy and with whom I had not spoken to since he went to study in the States. The tirelessly cheerful Andie, another childhood pal, was also there. She was draped in the arms of Ruth’s other, older brother Homer.

There we were in a table at one corner of the cramped backyard garden, swilling bottles of beer, ignoring the noisy crowd of about a hundred children in paper hats. “Where’s the clown?” I asked for no apparent reason other than to break the silence in our table.

“Somewhere inside the house, fixing his makeup,” Andie said, twirling Homer’s hair with a well-manicured finger. “Do you still work in a call centre?”

I told her yes. Then Homer wanted to know if I know a lot about computers, because Harry has been having trouble with his old computer. Apparently, it won’t upgrade from Vista to Windows 7 because of his anti-virus software. “Maybe you could have Victor take a look at it, Harry?”

I felt a little offended, like I was the local handyman that people invited to parties so that they could casually drop a line about leaky faucets. But as Harry led me to his bedroom upstairs, I began thinking about how I could twist the situation to my own advantage.

I went to work as soon as I sat in front of the computer. I ran the Windows 7 compatibility tool and found out that the machine has Kaspersky, an antivirus known to block upgrades to Windows 7. I downloaded the removal tool and successfully uninstalled the antivirus. When I asked Harry for the Windows 7 setup disc, he said he had to go downstairs to get it from the shelf. And would I like him to bring us a couple of beers? Yes, I would.

Exactly two seconds after he went out the door, I proceeded with my evil plan. I opened a browser page and before I could finish typing “” on the address bar, the history dropdown appeared. Aha. I quickly stole a look at the door to check for Harry, and then I hit Enter on the keyboard.

The login page loaded. I placed the cursor on the email address field, and without typing anything, I hit the down arrow key. An email address appeared on the dropdown: ***kiddo**** Oh, I knew it. I made a mental note of it, for later at home.

Just as I was about to close the browser page, secretly sniggering from what I found out, something happened. Or rather, something did not happen. The cursor refused to move.

I began shaking the mouse frantically. No response. I tried to bring up the task manager. Still nothing. I could not think clearly about what else I could do because I was starting to panic. By the time I managed to consider hard-rebooting the computer, and I was just about to press the power button on the tower, it was already too late. Harry was already at the door.

Holding two bottles of beer in one hand and the setup disc on the other, he stood by the door, staring at me and at the computer monitor. There on the screen was Downelink’s login homepage. Frozen. FML.


20 thoughts on “fml

  1. let's look at it this way. when you decided to snoop around, it wasn't like harry was going to the San Mig brewery to fetch your beers, di ba? and being a computer expert, you unconsciously knew that there were a number of things out of your control that could have thwarted your plans. then there were a number of unconscious things you could have done to get yourself caught, etc.,. and in the constellation of everything that did happen, you got yourself caught. no accidents, then. something in you wasn't satisfied to just snoop, you wanted to get caught — just like harry who carelessly left his downelink information accessible to you the expert. just as your selection as ninong. no accidents, the true evil of the plan.

  2. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm kaya pala hindi ka na nakaalis…. nag sing-sing pa naman kami kagabi…. yesterday, "Glentot pakyut bansot" compared me to a leaky faucet… but on an entirely different scenario…. alam mo na…. bwahahahahahai miss you babyboy….

  3. I'm not really into children, much less, children's parties. I don't know why people sometimes ask me to be the Ninong of their children. I don't think that's a good idea. Heheh

  4. Hi there! I was wondering if you would consider posting an article of mine. It's about an up and coming indie jazz-electropop band about to release their debut album this year. They are currently working with D.Bascombe, the producer/ mixer who has collaborated with Kylie Minogue, Natalie Imbruglia, Verve, Suede, etc.Tell me if you're interested in posting my article so that I can send it to you. For your efforts, I can pay $0.10 through PayPal (not that you need it – it's just a token of appreciation) and send you a free mp3 of the band (already with their permission.) The band plays jazz music but their songs are also classified under electronica. It's interesting how both jazz and electropop were merged into one by this band! Also, the band already has 400,000 hits on YouTube – so this article can bring you more readers (again, not that you need more :D). Please email me at doc_alma_jones(at)yahoo(dot)com if you're interested. 🙂 Thanks for your time!Cheers,A.J.

  5. victor! you could be a brilliant nuclear sceintist but at the same time could destroy the whole town with alam mo na, kamalasan hahaha!

  6. @Lance: I admit there was a subconscious hope that he would catch me snooping around. What I did not think about in advance is what to say, in case he does catch me snooping around. Hehe. As for him leaving his login footprint on his computer, I think he was just simply careless, but not necessarily because he knew I'd be looking into his machine.@Engel: Serendipitous disguise, disguised serendipity. LOL. But you're right, it depends on what happened after. :D@Jeff: A "leaky faucet"? That's… mean. Hehe. Too bad I missed Dave's singing numbers because of this. Pff.@Andy: I'm generally fond of children. Generally, of course, is an operative term. Haven't you asked your friends why they keep on asking you to be Ninong to their offspring?@Anonymous: Am I interested, you said? No. 😀

  7. @Darc: Oh, sure, it was. Among other things, like "embarrassing" and "awkward." LOL.@Dave: Spell kamalasan? V-I-C-T-O-R. @PrinsesaMusang: Now we all know children's parties could lead to other things. Embarrassment, not the least of them.@SouthDude: Hello. Thanks for dropping by. :D@Manech: "Oooh, Downelink." That made me laugh, for some strange reason. 😀

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