I’ve been blogging, on and off, for almost five years now, but only recently did I start to realize that my blogs are like museums–privately run institutions where I am the curator, the awed tourist, the dead artist, and the shrunken pharaoh at the little dusty corner, all at once.
Just a while ago, I rediscovered a curious article that I stashed in the inventory room but forgot to display in the public showrooms. Intensive research dates the said artifact to around March this year, pre-Ishiguro era. Apparently, this was an age when tagging was a little bit of what we might call today as a “fad.” I was tagged by Nyl of Citybuoy and thus tasked to come up with a list of 15 people I want to talk about. The rule is that I may NOT say who they are.
I remember that I thought about writing in third person, but Nyl seemed to have had a big kick out of it by writing in second person, so I followed the lead. However, I only came up with just 10 people, because I could not think of five more. This was my list:
1. If we had met in a different way, we would have become very close buddies by now. We would have been the coolest pals in geekdom. When you told me I impressed you (which probably was just pep talk), I promised it would not be the last time you’ll hear about me. I intend to keep that promise; seven months is all I need.
2. I used to think lesbos are generally airheads. And then we became friends. You became the reason why I put up with my former company and the pittance that they paid me. You did not always give the best advice; you always said I should be more reckless. But then again you know me more than anyone does.
3. We have not seen each other for quite a long time, and you must hate me for leaving without any valid explanation. I left at that exact instant when you needed me the most and when my presence alone could have made a big difference. I myself can no longer remember how or why I did it, but once I understand myself better, and I hope it would not be too late when that happens, I will come back and hopefully redeem myself.
4. We were obviously too caught up in the waiting game, until we finally got tired of anticipating each other’s actions. You were the first person I really have been intimate with, and I think we could have gotten more from each other, had there been more time: my reservations could have tamed your recklessness and your optimism could have undone my chronic skepticism. But after everything that happened, we both know things are better left the way they are.
5. Sometime in the future, we will see each other again and I will laugh at the result of your bitterness. Either that, or karma will take care of things. So far, both me and the universe have been merciful to you. I wasn’t always like this, but I have limits and I do not easily forget.
6. Your conceit, real or affected, both irks and interests me. There’s a lot of things I might want to ask you but there is such a thin line between things that I might stray too far. You weren’t exactly far from the truth when you said I was boring.
7. Many people have always believed you are perfect. You were the image of the perpetually composed, even when mad. You were sweet and thoughtful. You were nice to everyone, even to those who barely deserve the attention. And then you told me things you never should have told anyone.
8. Cayman Islands now, huh. Stretched out on the beach sand in your pink swimsuit, sipping daiquiris in dainty glasses? You bloody twit, I miss you so much I might consider treating you with your favorite Chowking lauriat as soon as you get back here. Do you still have the ridiculous giraffe?
9. When you said you laughed at my little mean joke, I decided we can get along quite well. I may be wrong, but you might be one of the very few who bother to read into my sometimes bare sentences. It’s been a long time since I knew someone who could make me edit my text messages before sending them.
10. I was having qualms about including you on this list. I barely know you, but I have always been drawn to people who say little about themselves. Also, I am short of one more person to talk about.
When I was done rereading this, I was, in different measures: surprised, relieved, repulsed.
I was surprised because the list includes people who are now just gray shadows. Also because I no longer agree with some of what I wrote about some people in the list. First impressions do not really last.
I was relieved because the list confirmed that I am capable of staying cool when talking about, say, certain people I felt strongly about. Blecch.
And more importantly, I feel repulsed because at the core of everything, there is something vaguely funny about how I carefully chose my words in writing the list. I do not yet know what it is exactly that makes it funny in a disgusting way, but once I found out, I am sure I will have a big laugh about it.